What Mommy Groups Taught me About Porn | Why You Should Talk About Where it Fits in Relationships and Marriage

If you’re a mother in 2019, you’re likely in various social media groups or apps that allow you to connect and communicate with other parents across the world.

Groups like unicorn moms (where I’m blocked, and still don’t know why) or a local mommies group contain over hundreds of thousands of mothers sharing their experiences, stories, and advice with others like them and not so much like them. You can even find groups specific to hobbies you have, weed? wine? Disney? stay at home? military? work from home? triad relationships? you name it…just search away.

Within these groups are banned topics from most of these groups including politics and vaccines (which, honestly, anti-vaxxing specifically shouldn’t be allowed in mommy groups— the fear and misinformation spread is ridiculous).

One topic that isn’t banned but is becoming a nuisance in groups is PORN. Other than one time in college, where I got into a debate with a friend about how porn is/isn’t degrading to women. I never knew how strongly people were against it. I was on the “isn’t” side and she was on the “is” side. I figure if it’s a consensual choice for the woman, then she can make money how she wants, no shaming or patronizing here. It’s become a heavily regulated industry, so I’m told. Power to her for being confident enough to share that intimacy with the world, I have no bad words about women in the porn/adult industry. Of course, as any industry there are issues within but that’s a different topic for another day.

Prior to being in these mommy groups, I had no idea it was such a heated topic for so many women. It gets so ugly. So many stories of women being upset that their husband is cheating on them, only to finish reading their post and finding out they caught them watching porn. The first time I saw this, I thought it was a troll and was so confused. Nope, turns out it was real and there’s validity to their feelings.

Post from a mommy group I’m in

I grew up in a big city, DC. Then I moved to one of the biggest in the world, New York City, and from there I ended up here in Los Angeles. The whole suburban mindset isn’t one I truly understand. I have friends who confidently show off their nipples (not breastfeeding) and other parts of their bodies knowing their peers can understand beauty without sexuality. Sex isn’t taboo among my personal peer groups, it’s talked about a lot, sometimes in too much detail…but nonetheless none of my peers think porn is bad.

The posts to mommy groups often end up in a heated debate with one side calling the other “uptight prudes” and the other side calling them “stupid whores”. Seeing them so many times over gets old and annoying. It goes nowhere and ultimately everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

What I’ve realized through these debates is that women were never really raised to speak about porn growing up (teenage years). So we’re left in this gray area where we’re influenced by certain factors like religions, region, and peers. For some porn is a disgusting secret, while for others it’s an open topic much like anything else. Personally, I don’t think the whole population has to commit to either being okay with it or not. Obviously, it should be a personal choice. When it comes to relationships and porn…this should be something discussed before getting serious and especially before getting married. Don’t be the woman who has 3 kids with and a seemingly perfect husband, only to find him watching porn one day and feeling like the world has come crashing down (see below). You’re entitled to your emotions and your opinions but lets put that on the list to talk about before you commit.

For my unmarried/uncommitted friends reading this. Here’s a cheat sheet for you

Topics to Talk About Before Getting Serious/Married
– Religion
– Politics
– If you want kids,
– How many kids you want
– How you’ll raise the children
– Vaccinations (this shouldn’t be a thing but seriously, make sure you’re with someone who knows to vaccinate children)
– Where you want to live
– How you want to live (ie: we want to travel a lot vs vacations here and there)
and now on that list…porn

Just like religion and politics it’s so important to discuss where you stand and how/if you’ll be able to continue the relationship on that notion. I’m in no way saying that everyone has to agree with what I want, or even what their partner wants, but it’s so important to discuss the place of said topics above, in your relationship.

For example, if you follow one religion and they follow another, will you two be able to raise your children in the way you wish? Some will be able to, while others will not be able to. Politics-wise, would you be able to be with someone who voted for Trump? Lastly, Porn…if you don’t accept it is your partner willing to omit that from his/her life? People fail to talk about these things then end up in the mommy groups feeling stuck and unsure of where their relationship stands. It is completely preventable if we start discussing topics more.

All in all what I’ve learned from these mommy groups, that I tell my friends now is to add that to their list of things they want to discuss before getting into a serious relationship with someone.

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